Sunday, December 14, 2003

A Little Dose of Daily Love

Some awesome web only newspieces from the ever spectacular....Daily Show with Jon Stewart who is known simply as "the man" (In my circles....and by circles I mean, just me)

On one of the Democratic Presidential debates:
The debate was co-sponsored and broadcast by Fox News, hence the event's official title, "The Democratic Candidate Debate: Get a Load of These Queers."

Meanwhile, having recently bowed out of the race for the Democratic nomination, Senator Bob Graham watched the debate from a local watering hole, pointing up at the television and telling disinterested patrons, quote, "Seriously, I know that guy. He's an asshole."

On President W. Bush and Schwarzenegger's meeting:
Afterwards, Arnold spoke of the meeting, saying, "We just talked about that we can do so much together in this relationship, and that it's very important for me to have a good relationship." Handlers later reminded Arnold that it's not a good idea to talk about the relationship so much on your first time getting together because he'll think you're one of those really needy governors who just wants him for his aid.

Schwarzenegger, who will enter office facing a budget deficit of possibly as much as $20 billion, will likely look to Bush for federal help to bail out California. Insiders say the president has so far committed to writing a three hundred dollar "tax return" check to Arnold and hoping that shuts him up for two or three years.

Prince Charles:
While the founding fathers may have dropped the ball on slavery and a women's right to vote while letting everyone own a machine gun, they showed remarkable foresight in abolishing any form of monarchy. Not because they sought to prevent a single person from seizing the reins of government, but because they knew full well that anyone wearing a crown wouldn't be able to keep his hands off of the butler.

Bush Talking to Australia:
In a speech to the parliament, Bush came with an important message for the Australian people. Speaking of the U.S. and Australia's shared histories he said "We fought together in the battle of Le Hamel, together in the Coral Sea, together in New Guinea, on the Korean Peninsula, in Vietnam." He then added, "Not me, of course. That fightin' stuff can get a man killed."

Bush then went on to say, "In our time, we must decide our own belief: either freedom is the privilege of an elite few, or it is the right and capacity of all humanity." He continued, "Now money and access to power -- that's a whole different story. Heh, heh...a whole different story indeed..."

The Zagat survey also found that, on average, 53% of fans download music from the Internet, 55% burn their own CD's, and 95% got really embarrassed when someone found that Hillary Duff song on their laptops.

And On Iraq:
Despite continuing reports of bad conditions in Iraq, critics of the war have struggled to be heard over the White House's carefully coordinated positive spin. Well, many Bush opponents are cheered tonight, because finally a loud voice critical of the war effort has broken through. And who is this hero of dissent? One Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

In a memo sent to top-ranking defense officials last week, Rumsfeld himself questions the progress in the war on terror, saying that the U.S. is in for a "long, hard slog" in Iraq and Afghanistan, and ends by imploring whoever is eating the leftovers he brings in for lunch out of the fridge to please stop it. They are labeled for a reason.

In the memo, Rumsfeld poses difficult questions, asking, "Do we need a new organization?" and "Is D.O.D. changing fast enough?" and "Most critically, are we positive that there are no leaks in the Department of Defense through which confidential internal memos might embarrassingly find their way into the news?" Sadly, he now knows the answer to that last one.