Friday, May 16, 2003

Now for the other point of view...I am not satisfied with what I just wrote!! I feel like I've learned nothing...what a spoiled thing to say that I'm lucky because I have money. Because I live in the US. Money is a value that not ever culture possesses, and rightfully so!! To say that I'm more happy because I have a lot of things...stuff....is an insult to those that are happy with almost no possessions. I try to be free of this American ideal that capitalism and a booming economy equate to happiness...and that the American dream is the correct way to live life...yet here I am, spouting off reasons why I am "lucky" because of it. I would be lucky to live in Haiti as well, in Mozambique, in Zaire, in Guinea...just because I go around with this notion that driving expensive cars, and listening to loud music in it, and getting educated so that I can go make money...just because I have this notion doesn't mean that the whole world does. And, that's why...I was about to go political...well, that's why the WTO and the American Foreign policy (especially under Bush) are sooo misguided! Because they are essentially just like me. They have developed a sense of luck and a sense of power because they own a lot of stuff...and so they try to help others own stuff, when others don't share the value of it. (and yes, stuff can mean many different things) And, I'm not trying to say that America is a big devil....I just think that we're a bit like the Borg (bear with me non-trekkies) that we have such a firm belief that our way of life is right and good that we want everyone to embrace it. I believe that the word is arrogance. And maybe it's all the stuff that makes us "lucky" that makes us soo restless and unsatisfied. It's all the stuff that keeps us from what is important and what is right, and that's why we're always trying to acquire more and more and more...now I'm getting philosophical...and it's not even original thinking! So, where do I stand, where is my philosophy? what is my philosophy?? I guess that is something that is still developing.

I am selfish.

In a year I'll essentially be a starving artist...a person that just works odd jobs for the sake of creativity. How much of my time will be spent with helping others?? none. I'll only be aiding myself and my selfish goals. I have started to think that perhaps it would be the greatest sacrifice to go do some job I hate and than be able to afford being a foster parent, volunteering, giving money. Essentially to become a philanthropist. Although, I suppose that even those that don't have money are able to help in many ways as well. I just am really really selfish. All of my goals right now are entirely focused on myself. Moving far away, pursuing some silly things, just traveling around. It serves no one any purpose, except for me. And, the thing that I feel most guilty about is not feeling all too guilty.

I am the very definition of a spoiled brat...I have zero concept of the value of money...I act like it's just something that will always be there. I complain to no end if my clothes aren't up to date, and if my car (of which I've had three, counting the Barone-mobile) if my car needs something fixed or the oil changed. I complain because I'm FORCED to go to school....the tragedy of it all! I am basically a seriously spoiled girl living under the umbrella of her parents and a worry free suburban world. I feel like I have no right to ever complain again (but I will, because we have "no food" in the house, or it's raining, or heaven forbid there's nothing on tv, or how I just can't stand that it may be raining on my trip to new york city...etc etc). I go shopping all the time these days. I just indulge myself in materialism! It's what I do. I am a total material girl (just like madonna) and I'm pretending to not be. I am. And, I'm not sure whether to feel guilt about it, to totally shune myself away from it, or to just be it and not apologize, because I am lucky to be able to be like how I am. I don't suppose that there are too many people that would wish for themselves to live with an invading army in their hometowns, to be moved from place to place, to have their homes destroyed because of some power plant, to have children die of cancer, to not have any parents, to be abused...I could list a million things that I'm not. I basically come from a loving family that has always had the stereotypical pet in a stereotypical neighborhood where the ice cream truck is always around on warm days, and where everyone stops to say hello and walks their dogs, and people help each other dig out of their driveways...and where there is only one color. I guess I shouldn't feel guilt that I am lucky, and that I have an opportunity to go and live a completely selfish life, that I am sheltered and spoiled and all that.

I just wonder what I am supposed to do...and I suppose I have never found an answer to satisfy me. I just wonder what I am supposed to do with the recognition. I have gone to many extremes to reshape who I am, but I can never not be sheltered and spoiled. I remain selfish. even this diary entry is selfish!!! I have yet to take the spotlight off of myself.

Well...there is much to consider...and it's now time for me to sleep....tomorrow is the eve of my birthday, and I am going to celebrating in high fashion tomorrow night.

Thursday, May 15, 2003

I AM CURSED!!!! Two seconds...two bloody seconds after I write how exciting it is the Nottingham is winning...I click refresh, and Sheffield has tied up the game! I am going to start cheering for the Yankees, and the Dallas Cowboys, and the Dallas Stars, and and and....the LA Lakers!! And all the teams I despise and see how well they do with me lurking in their subconscious. They'll never win again!!!! It'll be like a dark cloud has descended over them and they'll sense my evil presence. I only had a sneaking suspicion that I was cursed, but now I have proof...so, I shall now sacrifice myself and my heart and say...GO SHEFFIELD!
(that was painful...but necessary)

My first present came through the mail today (thanks K!)!!! Only three more days until 21...and feeling a lot better, just not soo much better that I am ready to go out and be all crazy. I have hopped on the wagon of bands...GIGGY!

On to more important things...my new adopted team, Nottingham Forest...are winning in their own playoffs all the way over in England!! It is very exciting! I find it odd, however, the way the English do their playoffs. They only have two games, as opposed to best of some odd number of games...and they tally the goals scored. I haven't decided whether that would put more emphasis on the offensive or defensive end. I do know that that leaves no room to fuck up a game at all! Which is a luxury us Americans take for granted. I mean, with the dominance of Giguere and the Anaheim ducks...the Wild still have a shot at winning the series...in England, they'd have to score a crap load of goals, which wouldn't happen, so their hopes of staying alive would be an even more bleak possibility than it is here (and it is pretty damn bleak). Alright, I'm just rambling now....so, ciao!

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

I just signed up for classes, and I am taking a class on hip hop and social change...and a few others. I'm taking one with Dr. Pollock, who is the man...and I'm happy about that. He's one of my favorite teachers of all time. And, just to show how delirious I am, I tried to sign up for a class called jogging. I mean, that's absolutely crazy. Luckily, it was closed.

Ok....I know that it is about a month or more after my Scotland trip, but I just have to include this very detailed itinerary of my trip!

Sunday, the 21st: Leave and land in Glasgow!
Glasgow was amazing, and the highlights included: meeting a jolly taxi-driver that got lost, turned off his meter, and than just showed me around the city (in his car, you dirty people!). Walked around, totally tired and dirty, and joined a protest! Yay for protests. Bought loads of Cds as I was unused to the pound, and especially unused to how much more the pound is worth than the dollar. (five pound cds, I thought were quite the deals...which, they actually are...point is! I bought a lot of them, and a few 15 pound cds, which I also thought were quite the deals, which they actually aren't). Later on, I met some friendly Californians, some fun Canadians, and walked around with one of the Cali's. The night's entertainment (get ready for some serious craziness) a symphony orchestra perfomance, by myself, surrounded by old Scottish people, and fell asleep through a good 1/2 of the performance. I did notice, however, that the Scots sure can clap!!! I mean, loud, continuous clapping, I was very impressed. Came back, and did tons of snoozing. I also resolved to move back to Scotland after I graduate upon completion of the first day.
GLASGOW DAY TWO
I went to a very old house, Lord Provand's Township?, St. Mungo's Cathedral, St. Mungo's museum, which is a religious art museum, and an old, beautiful cemetary, behind the cathedral. And, I did some major shopping, in which I found a great pair of shoes! At a price, I once again thought was semi-good...I was growing more accustomed to the currency difference. (it turns out that the price was not good in the least!)

The next day, and the beginning of HAGGIS!:
The day began in a panic, as I overslept and realized I had only an hour and a half to get dressed, make my way to the station, get a train ticket, get to Edinburgh (which is little less than an hour from Glasgow by train) and than find bloody Haggis Adventures!!! But, lo and behold, I made it! With, the help of a very friendly English lad, and a very nice Scottish woman, who all went out of their way to help me. Amazing, had this been Rochester, Buffalo, or anywhere near where I live, (with the exception of Canada) I would've been doomed. So.....let's talk Haggis.

HAGGIS DAY ONE:
Will and Alan were the drivers for 35 people, of which there were a million Aussies, a smattering of Americans, a couple of Kiwis (New Zealanders), 3 Japanese, 3 Chinese...or were they japanese?? 1 Holland woman (don't know the correct term)...and, and, and!! I know that there are others. Whateva. Point is, I knew that the trip was the trip for me when we were leaving to the sounds of the "A Team" and already being forced to use the expression "AYE!" instead of the meek and weak "yes".
Our first stop was Stirling, The William Wallace Monument. He was about 6'6", and we were ordered NOT to take a picture of the statue by the gift shop, as it bears more of a resemblance to Mel Gibson than William Wallace. I made the arduous climb up to the top of the monument, and than climbed back down.
Went to Glencoe, where the bastard Campbells massacred the McDonalds back in the day. Also where parts of Braveheart and Rob Roy were filmed. (to this day, they say a McDonald won't eat Campbells soup, and a Campbell won't eat at McDonalds) and, honostly, I believe it, as we were instructed to make a toast (Which, we had to do numerous times since we were all pathetic and new to the whole scottish thing) a toast saying "Campbells, kiss my arse" and than drank our whiskey.
At night, we went to Corpach...right by the "giant" ben nevis. We played a trivia game at the pub, in which I quite literally had to take one for the team. I was forced to chug a drink that was extremely alcoholic, full of soy sauce, milk, fruit juice, and some other garbage in order to gain points for the teams...sick. I spent the rest of the night bonding over beer. The best way to do it.

DAY TWO:
Went to Glen Nevis and did a fantastic three hour walk to steel falls. Which culminated in a personal disaster (damn being a female!). I crossed a bridge that was made of three ropes (a burma bridge for those that care) and listened to the falls which were gorgeous! On the walk back, Will, Sue, Kate and I had a very interesting conversation that centered around...well, the nasty!! haha....you nasty twin, I don't care! But, not really, it was quite humerous!!! Sue, I learned, enjoys tying people up, and Will enjoys sheep. Nuff said!
Drove to the Isle of Skye, to Saucy Marys....where we crossed the most expensive toll bridge in the world...and listened to Will scorn the English for constructing the ugly bridge in the first place.
Saucy Mary's was incredibly fun at night, and I most certaintly indulged myself with the great beverage known as beer. A Scottish variety of course. It was during this night that I met Rich, who is a fantastic English bloke (interesting that I'm writing about Scotland, but I have an Australian accent in my head, damn those Aussies!)

DAY THREE:
Drove around and hiked around Skye. I bought some really neat things at a fantastic shop called skye boutiques. Dipped my face in magical waters that increased my beauty! and than, disaster. As I was taking a picture, I started bounding through the field and crash and fall and twist my ankle, spraining it. It was however, brought on by a comment made by Alan...who said at that very spot "if anyone falls, make sure we see it, because it's a bit wet out there, and it will be funny" So, of course I go ahead and fall.
Later on, I got my first taste of Haggis! and than, I get to sit in a bus, whilst the rest of the crew climbs a fun and beautiful hill. ARRGH!
To add to my frustration, I was forced to go to the hospital...where thankfully Kate (a south african, this is one that I missed!) and Kim and Will all came...Will because he had to. And, I had to take x-rays. And, nothing was wrong except that I had stretched my ligaments.
Later on, I saw Rich again, and we chatted for awhile about all sorts of random and fun things.

DAY FOUR:
Left Skye, and went to Ullapool. On the way we made several beautiful stops, and we ended up at Gairloch beach. Now, I am a silly girl, and I decided...my ankle is just fine! So, I ended up playing touch Rugby with a bunch of the guys (and Kim!!) and I ended up diving on the ground for a try. I had also been playing frisbee. I know what y'all are thinking...isn't that bad for your ankle? At the time, "no no...its all good, I'll be ok!" right now "yes, as it still hurts! That bastard ankle" hindsight.
Went to Carbisdale Castle....a HAUNTED CASTLE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!!! Du du duuuuuummm...It was a real true blue castle. I'm talking, real castle and given to the youth hostel association after the second World War to bring together the youth of the world. The paintings and statues are worth millions of dollars, and it was the coolest place EVER! Apparantly, it is one of the top five haunted locations in the UK. (thank you Natalie) So, the night involved us sneaking alcohol into one of the dorms, and the singing of national anthems. I am proud to say that I represented both Canada and the US in grand style!

DAY FIVE:
We had to leave and head toward Inverness. We stopped at Dornach beach, which I believe is the worlds capital of stone skipping...or perhaps this was the practice. This is also where Madonna and Guy Ritchie tied the not (in Dornach Cathedral) so naturally, it is a very beautiful place.
We had no time to waste in Dornach as we had a very important date with the Glen Ord Whiskey distillary! Which Will, the sexy driver (both Alan and Will were dead sexy!) was a brochure model. Being that he was the first celebrity I'd ever met, I had him sign a brochure for me. At the distillary, I tasted some spectacular whiskey, and in the process confirmed my belief that whiskey is the tastiest hard alcohol in the world!
Had lunch in Inverness...it was some pizza place and I ordered the buffet. However, I was ill (too many days of drinking catching up to me) and only had a piece of pizza until the Kiwi gave me a hard time. I decided than, to also get a salad. He was satisfied by this. It was also here that I experienced the might and prowress of Marks and Spencer (which are all over the bloody place!)
From there we visited the Battlefield of Culloden where the bastard English protestants stopped Bonnie Prince Charles and his Jacobite revolution in 1746. (bastards!) I regret to say that I spent my time inside the gift shop as I am too cheap to pay money to go walk about the battlefield. (I started to truly embrace the Scottish people and their culture by this point).
From this point on, we went to Fort Augustus where Nessy lives (that's the loch ness monster to you!) and saw a very good looking man replicate the life of a highlander. May I just say that afterwards...especially after the weapons demonstration, I had an unbelievable desire to go out and fight!!!! especially Campbells!
Stayed in Morag's hostel...and I went to search for Nessie (by myself) at night. I ended up getting a stone thrown at me by some punk that was no more than 13. The little shite-head! But, I laughed, cause deep inside I found the situation very funny.

DAY SIX:
Headed toward Edinburgh...it was sad. Most of the day was spent driving. We made a few picturesque stops, had the Scotland's greatest Cheeseburger in some silly little tourist trap town, and said (sniff sniff) goodbye.
But, NOT FOR LONG!
Later that day, in Edinburgh, I met up with a few Haggis veterans and went to eat at a pleasant pub called "grayfriars bobby"...the time before that was spent walking about around the castle area (soo beautiful!) and I stayed in a fabulous hostel called "castle rock hostel" which was really really neat. My lovely Haggis adventures was over.

AMSTERDAM:
So, the next day I woke up bright and early in Edinburgh, and was absolutely charmed by the cleaning that I witnessed (they actually have a load of people sweep their streets, and little machines go around to water them down, AWESOME! I was in love)...hopped on a bus to the airport, and went to Amsterdam.
Amsterdam, well, I didn't like it. I mean, it was alright. I spent the first day lost and searching for my hostel. and the second day I just wandered around the canals, and spent most of my time inside two different H&M's....(which was great!). I went to bed super early that night, and woke up to get myself to the airport.
I came home, and immediately missed Scotland.

That's all folks!


Tuesday, May 13, 2003

Exams: over
Geneseo: over
I now am looking toward the very bleak reality that my birthday, my 21st, is not going to happen. I am sitting here, getting warmer by the second, and getting weaker and more dizzy as well. Not that I'm going to die, just that the party I've been looking forward to will not happen. It is 9:14pm...and I'm more than excited to go to my room, open up my window (it's about 40 degrees outside) and go to sleep...however, it is only Tuesday, and I have until Saturday to improve. The only trouble is that I've been steadily declining and I fear the worst is yet to come.
But, I can still type! I can always type.

Monday, May 12, 2003

Scary: after my second test, my professor asks "did you do perfect on this one too?" I shouldn't have done that in the first place, cause now I have high expectations. He was laughing...and I got scared. But, in good news, I have aced my two exams today! I'm feeling all hot shot like. The problem is this: my room is nothing but blank walls (ugh!) and I have my hardest test ever tomorrow. Plus, my wisdom tooth hurts, PLUS my compulsive eating has left me feeling really bad about myself. I've had two bags of peanut lovers chex mix (the medium sized ones)...one for lunch, one for dinner, plus I've eaten some potato chips, and some tortilla chips with cheese nacho sauce. And, cheerios...oh, and a piece of cake. That is absolutely reprehensible! I really do mean it. I feel like my heart is going to explode, and I would give anything for an apple, a salad, a big glass of milk, some healthy tofu dish, my mouth is watering, a big glass of water, some strawberries!! brocoli, cauliflower, maybe just some soup, a shower (to wash away the nasty food feeling I have) and before all this, a 3 mile run followed by some ab work. Now that I'm healthy, I despise being un-nutritious. I thought, hey, I'm stressed, it's finals, and I'm allowed to eat garbage. But, garbage isn't as fulfilling as I thought. I really do believe I am going to drive to Wegmans, purchase myself some produce (an apple, carrots...who knows?) and than just eat that for the rest of the night. This room is soo horrible, I think I want to go home, I can't concentrate here. I'm going home.

Top five signs it's finals:
5) I compulsively eat (especially chocolate)
4) I compulsively clean
3) I compulsively write nothings in this and emails to everyone I know
2) I start things and don't finish them (compulsively of course)

Why Jenn and me are cool:
ccmcbean: Bombs over bagdad
ccmcbean: bombs over tuttle!
tigraj: who let colleen out
tigraj: who who who
ccmcbean: hahahha

Just like the French always say:

Je m'en fou!!!!

This is my new attitude toward finals :)

Two tests to go....

Sunday, May 11, 2003

I love it when a day becomes poetic. There's something comforting about that. This morning I played Maya a cd to soothe her, and now it is me that needs to be soothed as I try to sleep. I suppose it's the drama queen in me that enjoys having a symbolic moment play out in real life.
I am reducing a drug (prescription, not illegal) and it makes me head spin and my stomach feel a bit nausous. It frightens me, how much I depend on it though, and it'll be nice to be rid of it. I feel uncomfortable mentioning this anymore, and I am going back and forth on including it or not for public viewing. But, I will, because I don't feel that I should be ashamed...even though I still haven't specified what this mystery drug is. Some things are best left unknown. These next few days I do believe may possibly make my stomach not just ill, but bleed! I have three exams in two days, and one that scares me quite a bit. But, for now I will take those worries and place them far away from my mind and just allow some pleasant music to put me in the world of dreamers.
To sleep, perchance to dream

The season's first tornado warning!! Exciting! The only problem is how scared Maya gets...I woke up today to her crying outside my door...and than I had to take care of her during a thunderstorm. Eventually she ended up in the basement, and I played Beethoven at Bedtime for her so she would be comforted. (it's a cd, I wasn't actually playing, I left and went back to sleep). She sure is tramatized today...poor baby!
But, I have until 5:00pm until the warnings are over. So, I have three hours to spend staying away from tornados...or else I may end up making friends with a scarecrow, a tin man, and a cowardly lion...
That reminds me of something Julie once had on her away message: "I think that they should make it a law that whatever you can grab while you're spinning around in a tornado, you keep."
Ok...I have to go visit a psychic and sing a song about a rainbow, and avoid the mean old neighbor that wants to take away my little dog too.
Dorothy...I mean, Colleen :)
(I'm soo cheesy)