Thursday, May 22, 2003

Well....I'm not homeless anymore. And, I'm not exactly happy about it. There is freedom not being tied down to something as menial as living arrangements. I had been checking out South Africa, and Edinburgh, and than suddenly I realized that I had a limitless possibility to go wherever I wanted, not just those two places, and than reality kicked me in the butt and said "actually you have a steady place to live all year long." I still have these possibilities, but it doesn't seem like fate telling me to go somewhere else anymore. I don't know why I continue to believe in fate...all the big fateful events in my life have been totally opposite of what they're supposed to represent, (at least recently...at least what I can remember). The failed living arrangements that gave me the idea of going abroad are no longer failed, meeting an incredible guy only to discover he's thinking of someone else, how I came to know people that seemed to direct my life to meditation and reflection only to discover that the option was never available to me to begin with. Perhaps if there is such a thing as fate, it is only there to say "see, that's where you could be"...or even better "this is where you should be" and I just need to be brave and take the next step. It's a scary step to take. It's not comfortable, and there's no one to hold my hand anymore. But, I can't be a wallflower to my life forever. I refuse to do that. (side note...I definitely am making all sorts of 'psychic' phenomena talk in this little pondering of mine tonight...interesting...)

I have been thinking a lot recently about the end of summer last year. Owen, Aaron, Amy, Christie, and I, and we were driving from Maine back to the Berkshires in some really intense heat. We were all stuffed into Amy's Volvo station-wagon when we saw a sign for Walden Pond. The very pond where Henry David Thoreau spent years of his life thinking and wondering...so of course we knew we had to swim in it, legal or not. When we got there, we discovered it had been turned into a tourist attraction and a public beach where many a child were making sand castles and swimming up to their exposed stomachs (which, they refreshingly had no reservations about flaunting in public). I must say that It was quite an exceptionally beautiful pond. It was surrounded completely by white sand that was soo very gentle on the feet. The waters were blue and warm and became very deep very quickly. Our group of renegade treehuggers walked barefoot to an emptier place farther away from the public, deciding upon a suitable place to swim. Without the proper atire, we all pretended that underwear were bikini bottoms and boxers swimsuits. One by one we became saturated in the philosopher's water. There was one moment in particular where I swam away from everyone and floated on my back, my ears subdued in the water while my eyes were open to the sun. The feeling I had was of total harmony. It was perfect. I said nothing, thought little, but observed soo much. Upon coming away from that moment in time I can easily understand how a 19th century man became a renegade in his own right. After our swim was over, we found our way back to where the families were enjoying the same pond that we had moments before. Initially, we had grumbled about how the public access devalued the meaningful legacy of Walden, but watching each person we were convinced that this is how it should be, open to everyone.

This unrelated tale relates in many ways. It was a sign that one of us saw in our daze that brought us to Walden. The experience we had was simple; not a flashy and expensive ride, not an extravagent plan; we swam in our underwear for an hour of our life. But it was an opportunity that we took and it is now a cherished moment in my life. Maybe it was fate, and we met it half-way. Perhaps the reason I think about it so much is that feeling of total freedom I had floating with my face turned up was a feeling I allowed by following that understated road sign. So, maybe if fate exists, it shouldn't tell us what to do with it once we find it. Maybe that's what makes life so scary and yet worth doing. I don't really think anything would be satisifying if it just appeared to us one day. It's when we make it our own that we'll all feel like we're living life in a big pond in the middle of Massachusetts...(or wherever your perfect moment may have existed, or will exist)


I feel all philosophical and shit :)

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

I am homeless!

UGH!

I think that this is fate...and I should study abroad

Monday, May 19, 2003

A million reasons to love Maya!
She is 12 years old, yet she seems to get more energy each day! Every morning she attempts to wake me up at some ungodly hour (ok...so it's not that bad...but 8:00 in the morning is just too early when one is on vacation!) anyways...she sits by my bed, panting until I acknowledge her...and than, she'll lay down disparingly on the floor realizing I'm much too lazy to get up and take her outside...
She also follows Erin and I (since we're always home) everywhere looking absolutely adorable so that we might go outside with her. Once she is released from indoors...she bounds outside finds a stick and chomps away.
Erin and I often leave her out on her own since she just likes to be outdoors, and often she has run down to her best friends house (Maria's) where she's found a second home....
Maria is a second grader (well....she will be in a month) who loves Maya. For example, she once listed Maya as her number one favorite PERSON in the world with her mom and dad coming in second. Recently, she has been covering Maya with a blanket whilst maya is lying down and reads to her. She also comes over very often to ask if Maya can play...Maya will than run outside and spring over to their house. It's the cutest thing in the world!!!
Now Maya has a new haircut (it's her summer buzz) and with the exception of her old lady chin, she looks exactly like a puppy. (she's a small golden) Everytime I see her, I just want to give her a million hugs and cuddle with her forever and ever.
Today, she did another absolutely adorable thing...she was at Maria's when Mrs. Floriano (maria's mom) called to ask if we knew where Maya was. We looked towards the front door, and there she was at the screen, wagging her tale. She had run away from the Floriano's...so now she apparantly is getting it in her head that she can just run back and forth from the homes as she pleases and she won't get in trouble....which, unfortunately is true, she is VERY aware how much of a star she is and I for one can never be mad at such a cute little girl.
So...if you don't love Maya yet...than you have no heart!