Thursday, September 25, 2003

It's such a beautiful thing, this musical thing

I just listened to one of my favorite pieces of music. It's this incredibly simple piano piece written by Thomas Newman for the Little Women soundtrack. It is called the Valley of the Shadow if anyone is interested. I was listening, completely absorbed and trying to figure out what made it so special. It is, afterall, only a melody repeated a couple of times. There isn't even much to the piano piece itself. Any intermediate or advanced beginner piano player could easily learn it. The only addition to the melody the piano brings is a few chords really. Yet in spite of this it is amazingly moving. The breaks and pauses are haunting, the pianist draws each note amazingly well. There is such feeling behind it. Even the strings in the beginning are heart breaking. It makes me wish I could spend my life in a song, and on a piano bench. I really do feel something is missing from my life every once in awhile. It sort of hits me, from out of nowhere. It is a loss, and I grieve it. I miss having music in my life. I miss having a piano to sit down to and lose myself in for hours. I miss having the drive and the focus and the love. I miss how simply and pure it used to be. I wrote a really good song when I was 8 years old that led me to wish to be a composer. But than, I grew up. It is funny, I actually think that I am a good writer, and a good speaker, yet, there's nothing that unnerves me more...performing and doing things that I am good at. I never really considered myself to be a perfectionist until recently, when I started paying attention to how I react and how I expect things of myself...and that's all I feel is necessary to say about that.

Music is everything to me. It breaks my heart that I am not involved with it anymore simply because I won't allow myself to not be perfect.

Mental Illness in Chicken

I'm really bored. That's all. But, as my sister says: "than you're a boring person"

I'm also watching this tv show about the most beautiful women in the world, and now my self-esteem is dropping by the minute. I can seriously monitor it's demise with each more beautiful person that they show on tv. I need to turn the tv off...for good, and just do my work.

Sunday, September 21, 2003

Lazy is as Lazy does...which I suppose is Nothing

I'm a lazy piece of @&#%

I seriously think that something is wrong with me. I know that I could get in shape if I wanted to, if I just tried...but I don't. I instead load up on the carbs and sit on my arse. All it takes is an hour worth of pain everyday, and some conscious choices when I eat. But, it's obviously too difficult for me, cause I don't do it. So instead, I sit in a pit of dispair, knowing that my goal weight is within reach, yet staying far from it, an uncomfortable distance away from it, and feeling like shite.

And than, there's school. I know I could get a 4.0 if I wanted to this semester. An A is never beyond my reach. It's all about how much I choose to work for it though. Which, (going back to the subject of my newest rant) is not enough. I have three research papers this semester...and I do loathe research. It's too much work. It requires hours of sitting in libraries and sorting through research. It is my bane. Reading, it's not something I like, but it gets done. Going to classes (well, all except for my earliest 9:00 physical anthropology) I do. Well, also barring any health issues which struck me and struck me hard this past week. Point is! I am lazy. And I don't want to be. I think I'm going to make a pact with myself, and I'm going to post my pact for everyone to read (all three of you!).

I, Colleen McCollough, do solemnly swear to do the whole research, and nothing but the research, so help me Jenny Craig.